REMEMBERING FELIX
Felix was born on the 29th of April 1989 in Newham General Hospital in the east end of London 13 months after his older brother Lucas and we took him home from hospital to our little terraced house in Silvertown to a sleepy street in the middle of a largely abandoned industrial area between the Royal Victoria Dock and the river Thames.
Within days it was clear there was something wrong, he had Pyloric Stenosis, a condition where the valve at the bottom of his stomach would tighten up and make him bring up all his mums milk and for a period he really didn’t keep any milk down and starved until he received corrective surgery at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital for Children on the Hackney road.
He was such a happy boy when he was young and readily made friends, generally with children with character and attitude and it was lovely to pick him up from school and see him acting up with his mates in the playground,
not a care in the world.
He learned to ride a bike and became absolutely obsessed with it riding up and down the pavement in our small street hour after hour on his second-hand pink bike with a loose front wheel and later learning to do stunts. He always wanted to do things his way as I recall from accompanying him and Lucas to primary school on their bikes which was lovely but a constant struggle to keep Felix on the right side of the road and safe and despite my yelling.
not a care in the world.
In 1998 fearing for the boys social environment growing up in the east end of London we moved to 13 Adam Close Tadley in Hampshire to what we imagined was a rural paradise with the right sort of friends, quite naïve in retrospect as the boys soon determined who they wanted to hang out with and what they wanted to do, often falling out. Ingrid and I left them home alone for the first time to do a supermarket run only to be called by the police, Felix and Lucas has started fighting so Felix had dialled 999 and called the police. Not for the last time we had the police turn up.
He became a pretty accomplished skateboarder taking himself off to Basingstoke doing ollies and flips up and down kerbs and acid drops off the top of bus shelters with a shock of blond curly hair he was popular, kids would shout his name, everyone seemed to know him though he was seemingly oblivious to his fame.
Still not a care in the world.
He had a real connection to the cats that we kept, he absolutely doted on them and they on him, especially his Siamese tomcat Maxie with whom he had a special bond, bless him when things became more strained at home Felix said he just wanted to move out into a flat and to take Maxie with him but it was not to be
And they did become more strained. He was using cannabis and it did not improve him, he was also beginning to develop an unhealthy interest in substance abuse – any substance was fair game and our lives began to suffer as his habits became more destructive and expensive. His older brother, who for years had been self-sufficient and contained moved out, he had taken a good share of the pain of Felix’s behaviour as well as having been somewhat side-lined by us as we had tried and failed to help Felix.
In 2012 we acquired a lodger because our finances were not in great shape, she arrived with health issues that required strong opiate based pain relief. In 2013 we felt we had no choice but to make Felix homeless because he had helped himself to her medication.
In 2014 we sold the house and moved into this rented cottage, a place that Felix would never get to see and which we were careful to conceal from him lest he pitch up to sleep in the outhouse, setting fire to it as he did while smoking heroin in the shed in Tadley and though I did dream one day I would welcome him home and that things could and would be better it was never to be.
And now there were cares in the world
Felix always knew what he wanted to do and was never one to compromise, he had an amazing capacity to bear pain yet at times seemed so vulnerable and bewildered by his situation and uncomprehending that we had apparently abandoned him. It was so very difficult watching him self destruct and I knew that unless he was able to change quite profoundly that he would die. We had no choice in the matter, my focus was on self-preservation and of the health of my wife. The thousands spent on rehab had not worked, all the words in the world seemed not to change him.
Felix was imprisoned more times than I can remember, he endured many long spells of homelessness and lived in many hostels and temporary accommodation but we never lost touch and despite the many fraught conversations about money we did meet and have meals together and have a laugh. Oh that boy enjoyed a laugh!
He was also very caring, many a time I would give him some money only to see him seek out one of his street buddies and give them a sizeable chunk of the money. He was a compassionate, sensitive, intelligent, funny and caring individual who began to conquer his demons, year by year he was improving in his attempts to get clean but on 16th March they caught up with him.
I do still dream of him but they are nice dreams, regardless they still leave me feeling so lost the next day.
Finally, no cares left in the world.
We will scatter his ashes with his favourite cats’ ashes later in the year probably on the sunny chalkland downs near the cottage.
We’d like to thank everyone who tried to help and support Felix, Davina, Andy, Clare, Colin, Ben, Yvette to see you here means so so much to us. I’d like to thank our family and in particular my mother, for the unjudgmental support and comfort they have provided over the years and to thank you all so much for being here to help us celebrate Felix’s life
Let us raise a glass to the memory Felix Carroll
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